[ x c l u s i v e l y o u r s ]

2007-07-02T17:49:00.000+08:00

disembark at my place, i'll show you in.
come through them dark doors, where shadows seep.

black and twisted, entwine with lust.
hard and cold, for you to touch.

tangled fingers,twisted joints.
see my face,but not my soul ...

2007-07-01T01:02:00.000+08:00

some pictures i took today...

[[ grin ]]

[[ heart ]]

for more, pls visit my DV. [[ LINK ]]

2007-06-22T16:30:00.001+08:00

in my dream he came.

in his hug, it felt safe.

but the warmth soon grew cold,

like boulders and marble and stone.

yet still i waited hope after hope,

within the depths my disappointment grows...

my gifts

2007-06-22T16:25:00.000+08:00

the kiss that demands a kiss me back.
the touch that demands a touch me back.
the hug that demands a hug me back.
the love that demands a love me back.

i will put these away, put them away,
love him wholeheartedly without anything back.
i have nothing for him but my smile.
i have nothing to give except my heart.

there is nothing i want in return for this,
not even his heart because love is to give.
i'll share my gifts and soul with him,
and hope somewhere i will shine for him.

back to basics

2007-06-11T15:20:00.000+08:00

once something.
now nothing.

what are we going to do now?
where will we go now?

what is going to happen now?

A Tribute

2007-06-10T17:57:00.000+08:00

A Tribute:
A Great Man Died the Other Day

A great man died the other day.
He was no father, nor uncle, nor brother;
Yet, he is every bit my father -
everyone's father:

For he cares for us fiercely,
Seeing the best that no one else can see.
Everything he did, it was with us in mind.
Never once did it cross his heart
That he should gain from these.

No doubt the way he did things were harsh,
But deeply etched was a deep sense of love
For the students that he sheltered.
Yet, many students turned away from him,
Cursed him and wish him leave them be.

But he never gave up on us,
for he saw Great potential in each and everyone.
He pushed us and stretched us to the max, and
He taught us to love and to be proud
Of a school that we were all brought up.

Then the sickness came and took him away,
And I didn't believe a strong hard man
Like him would fall prey.
But he did,
And left us for a better place.

A great man died the other day.
He was my teacher,
And in my heart was left with a void,
Filled with regrets that he'd never hear
The thanks I'd wanted to say.

In Memory of Mr. Quah S.K.
written on 6 aug, 2004.

sweet angel of mine

2007-06-10T17:39:00.000+08:00

Sweet angel of mine
Came softly to me at night.
In my dreams I see his smile
That lights up my grey grey sky.

Sweet angel of mine
Tells me stories and makes me laugh.
Loving words and long letters
Bridge our worlds so far apart.

Sweet angel of mine,
Finally met and finally known,
Never a person so lovely and grown
And melt my cold heart with his tone.

Sweet angel of mine,
Where are you now?
You're still here in my thoughts;
Though I know you're long gone, far apart.

sunshine and rain

2007-06-05T23:33:00.000+08:00

he fell in love with sunshine
only to find rain

he fell in love with a simple girl
only to find another in her

endless shadows clouded with rain
seams of blurry lines and pain
tracking through her mess of dirt
one question lingered,

would he accept her for who she really is,
or would everything an illusion, be?

the maker and her paper heart

2007-06-05T23:31:00.000+08:00

with her hands, she pressed down the paper.
with her fingers, she eased out the lace.
with her last strength, she put down the last piece of puzzle,
and finished her small paper heart.

with the ribbon, she hanged it up,
and watched the corners catches light.
until one day someone knocked against it,
and left behind a dent that couldn't be fixed.

the treasured piece,
now battered and bruised,
couldn't take another knock,
now she had softened in tears.

and to stop the paper from dying further,
her maker took on a drastic move,
gathered the paper heart and tore it to pieces,
scattering the fragments like dust in wind.

in her mind, she prayed,
hope against hope, that someone would come
and find the missing pieces one day.
and perhaps, put them together again.

.pockets.

2007-05-23T15:28:00.000+08:00

away it slips -
like sand through fingers, it slips.

through spaces
it falls into nothingness,

leaves behind
empty pockets of spaces.

passing grains,
the hard edges of the crystals

cuts through skin
drawing lines into gentle folds,

skin like paper.
and gradually, half-moon gathers

under eyes,
while visions blurs and raven turns

to silver,
and the straight bends double under its burdens.

then it slips.
again, and again. falling away the risings,

leaving
only blanks and holes to remember.

.after.

2007-04-16T19:58:00.000+08:00

lights blink.
splotches of colour.
they swirl and
can't hold still.

images of white and black.
they turn, a mosiac slab.
press down, hold down.
and one turns the whole inside out.

the sour cur;
the bitter after taste...

and she couldn't hold it down...

2007-04-15T15:32:00.000+08:00

someone asked her if she would to listen,
to listen to him.

someone asked her if she would to listen,
to listen to what he has to say.

someone asked her if she would to listen,
to listen to his thoughts.

someone asked her if she would to listen,
to listen to his dreams.

someone asked her if she would to listen,
to listen to his aspirations.

someone asked her if she would to listen,
what he has to say to her.

someone asked her to share her thoughts,
and share a part with him.

someone asked her to be his love,
but in the end, left her in the ditch.

someone asked her to wait for him,
only to break this one last thing.

and now a broken doll, dead yet alive.
an empty shell waiting for one who will never come.
an empty shell, hollow through and through,
echos sounds that other couldn't hear.

and they couldn't see her.

.dust.

2007-04-15T00:18:00.000+08:00

for a long time, she wandered,
unable to break through.

for a long time, she searched,
but couldn't find you.

for a long time, she cried,
but no flames dried her tears.

for a long time, she prayed,
for hope and faith that will one day appear.

along he came, a light in the dark.
took her hand and held her tight.

the warmth brought her life again,
and overnight she blossomed.

more beautiful than before...

but all good things come to end.
soon, everything will come to pass...

and these flames will, but reduce, to dust.

2007-04-05T21:13:00.000+08:00

down the deep sea he swam.
down the ocean deep he went.
the things, the things he saw,
wore a secretive, murky hue.

down the deep sea he went.
down the ocean deep he swarm.
held his breath and struggle through.
and found something else in the blue.

.nostalgia.

2007-04-05T16:27:00.000+08:00

backdrop.
full house.
wide smiles.
applause.

music;
singing;
painted faces;
and more.

gestures;
a turn;
another walk;
and bow.

then fades off
into the dark,
an empty stage
of the past.

and the companions were lost.
never to be found...

2007-04-02T11:58:00.000+08:00

strangers in a chance encounter,
faces passing in a crowd.
one caught the other's eye,
and the beat picked up.
a small shift, a passing glance,
lowered eyes and shy smiles ...

dim lights,
yet bright.
everything else fades into nothingness,
only one remains...
fingers touching, locking,
and in the midst they felt each other.

a simple connection
through the eyes.
the deep smiles and understanding
of unspoken words and feelings.
along the way they felt
but both were too afraid...

perhaps they see,
but pretend not to.
pretend away everything,
so that the magic will hold true...

2007-03-31T23:57:00.000+08:00

family portrait,
picture perfect -
smiling faces,
naughty grins.

a performance,
a masquerade
of shining faces
and plastic masks.

take those away ...take those away ...

the pain, the hurt,
the effort of building up the present.

the past, the past,
like paint splashed upon; they last.

draw another black line,
throw on another colour.
add in some flavour,
couple with spices.

exotic, unique, one of a kind.

yet, the unspoken faces were torn apart.

and all because one.
just one stupidity.
just one mistake.
just one's stubbornness,

and nothing is the same, again

.title.less.me.

2007-03-22T15:28:00.000+08:00

In my dreams, I was running.

In my dreams, I was being pursued.

In my dreams, I was hiding.

And I couldn’t tell from who.

The pocket of spaces, they are too dark.

My eyes, they couldn’t see beyond.

My fingers were cold and trembled

At the icy caress of nothingness.

In my dreams, the air was thick,

Thick with the smell of fear and dark.

In my dreams, the air was thick,

And it was suffocating to breathe.

But round the corner I came to find

The someone whose face I recognized.

The face of someone so familiar and true,

And I realize the face was no one but you…

You were someone I thought I knew.

You were someone I thought I understood.

But in the mirror, I couldn’t find, I couldn’t see,

The familiar reflection I call me.

.pink.

2007-03-21T16:33:00.000+08:00

it's pink, he says.

yes. pink. she replies.
and soft, with white.
but, pink.

she is beautiful.

yes. beautiful.
and she looks just like you.
with that little smile,
and that squashed cheek.
wrinkled and wet, when she first comes.
but beautiful.

that little tuff...

that splash of black.
against her skin.

her bald skin.
like the smooth egg.

so soft, so pretty.
so pink.

yes pink.
beautifully pink, she says.

.untitled.

2007-03-21T04:42:00.000+08:00

I will not cry.
I will not shed a tear.
No physical contact between us no more.
Only a sad smile -
A shadow of what can be and what had been lost.
A shadow of all the dreams we could have built -
But they are all lost now.
And what we had shared previously
Was nothing more than a saga of lost dreams.

Yet I still yearn for your touch,
Them kisses and your strong hug.
That same hug that gave me the strength and the courage.
That same hug that lifted me up and placed me on the pedastal.
But for now, I will only watch from a distance.
For now I'll be happy for your happiness,
As I remember, and re-live you in my memory
Silently, I will whisper my love for you.

** wrote this many months back. by no means is this a record of what i feel now **

.veins.

2007-03-18T14:42:00.000+08:00

thoughts and ideas in my head,
swimming and flowing through.
eyes wide shut, my mighty pen
press upon the plain white face.
the tip of the mighty scratches a line,
then another joins and forms;
a heavy stroke of wiggly swirl,
painting small scribbles of a picture.
the voice in the head forms the words,
and within the veins cruising and flow,
like blood, the words seep through and forms...
a permanent stain upon the white,
these thought left behind a mark.
once written out - only an empty shell
and i know, you'll use my words however you want.

.innocent.lost.

2007-03-18T13:11:00.000+08:00

***

images swirl;
(they don't stop)

casting their shadows.
(to and fro)

lights dim -
(they are never bright;)

the dreamscapes,
(they stretch on.)

they seep, overtime
creeping,
silent,
etched in memories...

before falling away,
before melting into dust...

a child's smile,
lost -

never to be found,
never to be heard again,
now time has past
and she has grown...

.revival.

2007-03-17T18:49:00.000+08:00

i've finally decided to revive this blog. with effect from today, this will be my harvest.

.been.long.

2006-07-02T21:07:00.001+08:00

Yup, it's been so long since I really last blog. If you're thinking that I've been busy - well, yes, in a way. I've been playing computer games till wee hours every night, waking only at 12 or after in the day. I'm turning into some zombie now - which isn't good.

Golly.

And I need a hair cut.

.tears.

2006-06-22T00:39:00.000+08:00

I can't stop crying deep inside.

I just feel so guilty.

Sometimes, I just wish that I can hide and just let things be. Maybe I would be less tired and all.

.back.

2006-06-16T02:18:00.000+08:00

Yeah. I've been lazy. I have been testing out Friendster blog, and seriously I think it sucks down to the core.

*hmph*

I find it utterly boring, although the classified rubbish was pretty cool (whatever classified rubbish was).

Been coughing non stop for like the last few days. Not recovering. I'm seriously thinking of doubling my intake of the cough medication if I don't get any better. I simply must get better by the coming week, or else I won't be able to get anything done. Of course, such a move will be done with discretion; I have zero intention of letting Lex know because it is most likely that he will finish me off before the medicine does when he knows what I'm up to.

*laughs*

I'm starting to go bonkers from the lack of sleep.

Of to bed - it's freaking 2 am now, and I shouldn't stay up any longer. I'll post abt this rather interesting article I read the other day in the morning.

*nods*

.hiatus.

2006-05-30T14:56:00.000+08:00

I was just going through my stuff and I realised that I haven't blogged for a long time. Not that blogging is part and parcel of my life anyway ... but I've come to realise that this was probably the one way I can record my thoughts and ideas and stuff ... memories that are lost too often and never recovered.

Anyway, if anyone was wondering - yup, I just got back from KL. Gosh! - I think I spent like 40$ on smses only!! [dies] I didn't want to - just wanna sms Lex and mommy to let them know when I'm leaving the place and stuff. Never occurred to me that I still need to answer to the facilitators thingy even on a holiday. Ellen thought I should just take it easy and told them I was away on holiday, and that I will get things done when I return. Still, I did my work anyway ... maybe 'cause it's my nature. Like to get things done immediately if possible. Of course, sometimes I slack off la ...

Shopping at KL was fun. Come to think of it, we weren't just shopping at KL lor ... went to the outskirts - Selangor to be precise. I guess we were mad. I spent quite a lot (200$ plus) - bought a lot of things of people. I'd wanted to buy something special for myself - something different and sensuous ... but decided not to in the end 'cause not my style. Rei thought I should - and give Lex a surprise. I was laughing so hard at that thought. He will probably like it ... but now's a bit too early la. Maybe my next trip overseas. ^^

I really enjoy that trip alot. Very relaxing. I think my next one will be Hong Kong. :) It will be great.

.randomness.

2006-05-22T23:47:00.000+08:00

ARE YOU SPOILED?

Do you have:
(x) your own cell phone
( ) a television in your bedroom
(x) an iPod
( ) a photo printer
(x) your own phone line
( ) TiVo or a generic digital video recorder
(x) high-speed internet access
( ) a surround sound system in bedroom
( ) DVD player in bedroom
( ) at least a hundred DVDs
( ) your own bathroom
( ) your own in-house office
( ) a pool
( ) a guest house
( ) a game room
( ) a queen-size bed or larger
( ) a stocked bar
( ) a working dishwasher
( ) an icemaker
(x) a working washer and dryer
( ) more than 20 pairs of shoes
(x) at least ten things from a designer store
( ) expensive sunglasses
( ) framed original art (not lithographs or prints)
( ) Egyptian cotton sheets or towels
( ) a multi-speed bike
( ) a gym membership
( ) large exercise equipment at home
( ) your own set of golf clubs
( ) a pool table
( ) a tennis court
( ) local access to a lake, large pond, or the sea
( ) your own pair of skis
( ) enough camping gear for a weekend trip in an isolated area
( ) a boat
( ) a jet ski
( ) a neighborhood committee membership
( ) a beach house or a vacation house/cabin
(x) wealthy family members
(x) two or more family cars
( ) a walk-in closet or pantry
(x) a yard
( ) a hammock
( ) a personal trainer
( ) good credit
( ) expensive jewelry
( ) a designer bag that required being on a waiting list to get
( ) at least $100 cash in your possession right now
( ) more than two credit cards bearing your name
( ) a stock portfolio
(x) a passport
( ) a horse
( ) a trust fund
(x) private medical insurance
( ) a college degree, and no outstanding student loans

Do you:
( ) shop for non-needed items for yourself (like clothes, jewelry, electronics) at least once a week
( ) do your regular grocery shopping at high-end or specialty stores
(x) pay someone else to clean your house, do dishes, or launder your clothes
( ) go on weekend mini-vacations
( ) send dinners back with every flaw
(x) wear perfume or cologne
( ) regularly get your hair styled or nails done in a salon
( ) have a job but don't need the money
( ) stay at home with little financial sacrifice
(x) pay someone else to cook your meals
( ) pay someone else to watch your children or walk your dogs
( ) regularly pay someone else to drive your taxis
( ) expect a gift after you fight with your partner

Are you:
( ) an only child
( ) married/partnered to a wealthy person
( ) baffled/surprised when you don't get your way

Have you:
( ) been on a cruise
(x) traveled out of the country
( ) met a celebrity
( ) been to the Caribbean
(x) been to Europe
( ) been to Hawaii
( ) been to New York
( ) eaten at the space needle in Seattle
( ) been to the Mall of America
( ) been on the Eiffel Tower in Paris
( ) been on the Statue of Liberty in New York
( ) moved more than three times because you wanted to
( ) dined with local political figures
( ) been to both the Atlantic coast and the Pacific coast

Did you:
( ) go to another country for your honeymoon
( ) hire a professional photographer for your wedding or party
(x) take riding or swimming lessons as a child
( ) attend private school
( ) have a Sweet 16 birthday party thrown for you

I've ... got 17 out of the whole list. Guess I'm pretty much on my own ... [grins]

.too.many.things.

2006-05-10T17:58:00.000+08:00

I know I just blogged like 5 minutes ago. Anyway, that's more like a to do list for me...

Crap.

Anyway, thought I share some stuff here on my blog. As some of you might have known, I'm generally a cat freak. As long as it has whiskers, tails, furs and its name spells C-A-T or K-I-T-T-Y or K-I-T-T-E-N, chances are, I'm probably going to scream or squeal the whole place down. (I even tried holding a convo with Lex in kitty language. It's hilarious, I tell you ...)

Well, I was surfing around as usual, and lo behold! I found this!

Kitty hugging kitty!

Isn't it adorable?

I nearly melted.

And though I'm not a dog fan (I love them too, but not as much as a furry cat), I thought this was cute.

voodoo vet

Sounds like something your cat or dog might do to a vet eh? [laughs]

I love those cute pics. I'll probably post more. Later!

.drag.day.

2006-05-10T17:45:00.000+08:00

Today is Drag Day! Haha. It's Drag Day 'cause I said so! (And no, you don't go dressing up as a Drag!!)

[insert maniac laughter here]

Yep, as usual, I'm mad. :p But really la, it's 'cause I got nothing better to do. -.- Hmmph! As usual, I spend a better part of day doing absolutely nothing. I think if this keeps up, I'm going to rot and die or something. So! I've come up with a list of things that I'm going to do something about.

First thing first, no more late nights! And I really mean it - no late nights. Bedtime will be 11, no later. That way, I won't get into a habit of lazing and sleeping in the next day. I mean, seriously. The only times I wake up early is when I have something on the following days. Time to do something about it!

Then I'm going to clean up my room. Yes! - I know I've said it like a hundred times, but I really need to put actions to words. So far, I kept my word and cleaned out my wardrobe. But I still have stacks of books and CDs sitting around. I swear, if I'm not going out with Lex tomorrow or Friday, those things are really going to go! [nods] That's right.

I also realised how lazy I am when it comes to RP. MapleStory? - Man, I'm rusty! Hogwarts RPG, just as bad. So I'm going to do some proper writing and playing every now and then - just so people like my brothers and online friends won't get a chance to have a go at me. Also need to sort out my portfolio properly - that way I have something nice to show people too.

Finally, I'm going to spend less. Ok, maybe I'll splurge on a new phone with my next pay (which is like tomorrow) then after that, I'm really going to stop spending so much.

What else have I left out?

.liquid.room.

2006-05-07T16:43:00.000+08:00

Went LiquidRoom yesterday.

Hee. Was fun. Met the ExCo for NTU CAC. Saw PG there too. Didn't know he working as barman. I wanted to be cheapo and asked him for a free house pour when he offered to pour something for me. But decided to be nice and use my ticket to change for a drink instead. Had Lime Vodka - very sweet, very tangy! I like!! :) Rei had Screwdriver. She thought it tasted like Martini ... which made me wondered why I never asked for Martini. [sad]

Music not bad. We stood around the dancefloor and took up space at first. HAHA!! Then we sabo Lawrence to dance. He moved abit, and tried to drag us in. But no! We refused ... until they started playing retro. I like!! Then Ellen and Rei and a few others started dancing. So I joined them ... but I feel so clumsy.

Thought of the day: Retro music - nice. I will go Mambo with Ellen and Rei next. Hee.

Btw, Jess is not turning into a clubber. It's fun la ... but I'm there more for the drinks and the people. Clubbing stinky ok? I smelled of cigarette smoke and alcohol when I got home. Not nice ok?

Now as I think about it ...

WHY AM I TYPING LIKE THAT?!?! Man ... I must be going mad. haha.

.happy.one.month.

2006-05-05T00:25:00.000+08:00

The last month was perfectly blissful.

It was just beautiful - when one is in love, time just seems to fly past and everything was simply wonderful. I really feel like one very lucky girl to have Lex by my side. He had been very supportive and patient despite my awful habits sometimes, and in the past 6 months or so, he had done so much for me: Late night suppers and hot dinners even in the rain; two bottles of stars, carefully folded straws; stuff toys because I simply couldn't live without them; long phone calls like 20 times a day, not to mention tons of smses that probably finished off both our bills; hugs and kisses ... Sometimes we don't even do much - just sit around in his or my room, reading and enjoying each other's company. Sure, we still bicker and argue the way we used to in JC but it's a wonderful time, this one month.

***

Two strangers in a chance encounter,
Two strangers with nothing more.

In a simple twist of fate, both of us found some common ground. And when we started opening up, we found something even more. We started to understand, started to learn, started to know ...

***

I <3 you, dear ...

.catch.me.if.you.can.

2006-05-03T01:14:00.000+08:00

Lex and me went to the arcade. I knew he used to catch those stuff toys on those machines ... but I didn't think he was for real when he told me he was going to get me one. Before I knew it, he had gotten 5 for me. My heart just melted.

.the.great.return.

2006-04-29T17:48:00.000+08:00

Went for a hike with Mr Boh and a group of very energetic JC2 boys from PJC. Very enegetic is an understatment ... I think. They were practically racing through the trail, with me lagging at the back. I really felt ... ancient, old and rusty. I mean, when was the last time I did something like that? It was a pity Lex, Bryant and Bellie couldn't go ... I think hiking with them would be a lot more interesting and interactive.

Nearly died from all that walking and stamping. The results? - the hem of my track pants and my shoes got muddied. And I realised I've got shorter legs than I thought ... although if Lex was there, he'd probably laugh and say because I'm short. Then you'll get us running around, bickering and debating, with him ending, "Are you challenging me?" To that I'll probably jut my chin out, and affirm, "YES!" And Lex would probably add his recent famous line in my prescence complete with his toothy grin, "You wait till later. You'll die."

Well, that is my 5 mins of weird, rambling train of thought.

[insert maniac laughter here]

OK. So now back to serious stuff. The next few days will be my last days in hall 9. After that it will be goodbye for 2 months. I'll be staying at home. I'm currently packing my things now. Really hope to get them all out by tomorrow evening so I will have less things to worry about except for a GLARING fact.

You see, my bedroom at home is already overflowing with my stuff - exploding wardrobes jammed pack with clothes, mountains and piles of books sitting at my table and floor, two HUGE boxes of rough paper and a lot of trinklets that are occupying more space than needed.

My point: WHERE AM I GOING TO HOARD MY ADDITIONAL THINGS I'M MOVING BACK FROM HALL?? Of course, Lex had been kind enough to keep those wretched tennis balls for me ... still, it's annoying. I think I'm going to spend next week clearing out my bedroom. Of course, I probably wouldn't get to it until like ... um, my mom complains cos I'll be too caught up with stupid things like clubbing etc.

HAHA.

Aren't I hopeless?

.jigsaw.

2006-04-26T12:05:00.000+08:00

Today is 26 April.

Amazing isn't it? Time just seemed to pass by so very quickly. I guess when one is in love, everything just speeds right through.

^^

I guess quite a lot of people know le. I didn't intend to tell anyone at first ... much less even put our pictures together on Friendster. But he asked me to ... which is weird cos he didn't on his profile. I was telling him to take from my page, but dunno if he will do that. Anyway, I might just upload some for him if he likes. :)

I'm going to move out by May 2. Both of us are desperately trying to make that day go away, cos once I move home, it will mean that we won't be able to see each other as much as we like. When I was still in hall, it's quite easy. He just cycle over - or sometimes we walk. Meals are easy - we don't have to travel very far to eat together. I think he is hoping that I won't move out - cos he did ask me if there are other options. There are - I could stay with my aunt or extend. But I didn't want to pay rent cos I'm kind of tight in terms of money now.

I kind of miss him right now. Sat's recce with Mr Boh is going to be weird without him. I think I will ask Bryant and Bellie to go along. I don't know but this is the first activity we're not doing together. It just feels weird, because I think all of us often take for granted that the two of us will be there for this kind of activity.

.lost.childhood.

2006-04-22T11:17:00.000+08:00

Lex finished reading Totto-Chan and The Little Prince. I never asked him what he thought about the books, because feelings like these are really personal. Not everyone would feel the same way about something, anyway. Especially not over a book where opinions and thoughts might depend greatly on who we are ...

But one thing is for sure, I couldn't feel a deep sense of loss when I re-read both books. Whenever I re-read them, I mourn for the loss of childhood, mine and everyone elses. Did it ever occur to us how fast we are all growing up? Growing up isn't a bad thing - but how many of us had truly forgetten the innocence of children? Can we still remember the games and things we used to do? Can we still remember the questions we asked when we are children? Or had they been suppressed by this harsh world, where everything is "Don't ask so much. You'll know when you grow up". Had this deep sense of curiosity been suppressed by the endless rat race?

Everytime when I think about this, I'll remember C.S.Lewis and his Chronicles, and his own stand about how adults are the stupidest when they tried to be the most grown up.

.missing.

2006-04-20T13:43:00.000+08:00

I miss you so much.

I just want you back here in one piece. :)

.latch.

2006-04-05T20:24:00.000+08:00

I feel like a leech.

and I feel like stupid. Can't get my scripts in my head. I'm going to fail a module - i just know it.

.took.a.gamble.

2006-04-05T03:18:00.000+08:00

I took a gamble and told YS I have feelings for him.

I guess we're on honeymoon at the moment. Hee.

.I.Got.Married.Yesterday.

2006-04-02T13:12:00.000+08:00

Haha.

Yeah Right.

That's probably not anytime soon.

Went out with YS again. I'm seeing him every week now - it's becoming something that was ... expected - although the word 'expected' doesn't seem right. I mean, I do get my parents asking me if I'll be going out with him on Fri or Sat. Which was kind of weird.

I'm starting to feel very comfortable with him. It's a really nice feeling - those you get when you're with someone who just seems to understand you in a strange way. Yet, I still kind of sad too - and I don't know why.

We had a long talk on the phone after that. Nothing much really ... just about stuff that we probably will never tell others. And in that course, I realised how deep he really goes. He was right when he remarked several weeks back that no one knew him well enough before. I just think he's really one person who is so complexed - very much a heart-head kind of guy, constantly struggling.

And then I realised - there are simply too many things. Too many things in fact that I have yet to know.

.go.

2006-03-12T12:03:00.000+08:00

I got the cheerleading video. It made me wanna join ACES even more, though I'm sure there are people who are a hundred times better than me. Somehow, I miss the trainings, I miss everything about it ... although not everything is nice.

I'll be brutally honest here that in cheerleading, you either make it or break it. I'd probably had a fair share of both, but then again, that's life for you. No denying it. Plus, it's one of the things (other than tennis) that reminds me I can't be perfect.

***

Moving on -

I've been giving loads of thoughts abt YS lately. Saw him yesterday after a week of no hear and meet. I'm trying to establish where we're coming from and where we're going. I'm still hoping that I'm thinking too much ... Should I just march up to him (and embarass myself maybe), and just ask him directly what the hell is going through his head?

That reminds me too. I need to get my pictures from him.

.the.problem.

2006-03-10T10:36:00.000+08:00

I'm taking forever to put up updates for my blog. You may ask why. Is it because I really have nothing to write? I think now. I'm full of rubbish and filled to the brim with words ... but somehow, I'm finding it hard to share a lot of things here. I mean, who reads? It could be anyone ... and I might not even know YOU.

... ... ...

Ah well. But what can I do?

Then again, I could be - in Sky's own words - lazy. Haha.

So, some updates.

I got nominated as the cultural member and Freshie of the Year for my Hall during the colour awards. I was a little surprised to tell the truth. ME?!?! [laughs] I think I'm senile and inactive. [pfft] Hah. I was actually betting that Tiffany or Wei Lian would win, but no. I lost that bet. -.-

Moving on, I just kena a stalker. I was freaked out, cos he was extremely persistent. In the end arranged a tennis game with him to shut him up. Then I got lucky and hurt my back. HAHA... So Dominic fabricated a cock-and-bull story. Trust him to come up with these kind of ideas. Sky was probably enjoying a good show of the "DAH-LING". -.- So embarassing. I think I owe them a drink each. Hah. Sky thought I was faking my back injury ... and I felt like a wuss. LoL. But it was funny.

That, you can't deny.

.new.episodes.

2006-03-01T23:30:00.000+08:00

Went back to PJC today.

I must say, the place changed so much. It was so nice to see the teachers and familiar faces again ... although the students were another story altogether. I could still remember the last few times I went back there. Several days for interviews for projects, and then there was the release of the A Levels results. It was so hard to believe it had been 1 year ago. Today, while I stood outside the hall, complete with tennis stuff and laptop, I felt really really ... odd. It was like seeing last year again.

That scene played over my mind several times. Had one year really passed?

By the way, Bel got 3As. I'm happy for her. [dances] And Yee Chien got [dies] the same results as Tsang Yew. [sigh] The birth of another genius ... and I'm the dumb duck.

Haha.

.thoughts.then.more.

2006-02-25T15:48:00.000+08:00

It's been almost a year since I made the decision to go to NIE.

I could still remember this time last year - I was thinking about my future and things like that. It was never easy at the cross roads, I remembered, and then again, when the decision was made. In the end, did I ever regret my decision? I don't think so. I enjoyed every part of my life since then, knowing that I had taken something worth my time and while. I look forward to most of my lessons (well, except Academic writing becasue it's just so dry!) and I even look forward to doing my work. The only problem is that sometimes I'm so caught up with somethings I just forgot! Like that stupid stupid forum for ICT for example. I missed the deadline by a minute yesterday. It's retarded cos I did a summary of everything, and I couldn't post.

[sigh]

On another note, I'm wondering - has my ideals and philo since last year changed?

Shall we take a look?

Let's see. On 19 Apr 2005, I blogged:

Coming Thurs, I will be on my way to MOE for an interview. Yes, my application to NTU/ NIE is currently being considered and to tell the truth, I'm really excited. But I can't help feeling worried too, 'cause I'm so scared that I'd forget my words and the things I want to say during the interview.

Wish me luck.

And then on 23 Apr 2005, this is what I said abt the interview:

Interview went rather smoothly on Thurs. I felt so assured when the whole thing was over. I can't say I'm guranteed a place in NTU ... but, to me, all these things no longer matter. I've been through a lot and whatever comes my way now won't defeat me.

Sometimes it is the failure that makes me strong. And for the last 19 years, that has been the case for me. A bad grade, a rejection no longer matter to me.

And then scribbled somewhere along the lines of my lecture notes mid-term last sem:

Why did I want to be a teacher?

Looking back, I think I'd change much since then. Yes, I'm still as ideal as ever, but somehow I'm also more grounded. I've come to realise that there are certain changes that are limited but still it wouldn't hurt to try. I've come to realise that teachers are not knowledge machines. They are humans too and therefore should have space to fault. They do not have to know everything. They are teachers because they are there to share with their students. Essentially, the students and teachers are one. They are different and yet the same.

But will anyone else see this?

.rant.rave.rant.

2006-02-21T12:43:00.000+08:00

When was the last time I blogged anything of importance?

Probably a good few months back. Had university life really caught up so much that I had hardly time for myself? Well, probably. Looking back now, so many things had changed. I had grown a lot ... but had I grown towards a more complex and superficial life, or had I grown towards one that is mature? I mean, when was the last time I really had time for myself, to do what I like, to enjoy the simple things in life, to chat with a good friend over coffee? I don't seem to get that anymore. Everyday of my life is just dedicated to my hall and its numerous activies. Fine, I'm not complaining because I really enjoyed them ... but when I look back, nothing felt ... right.

Had I become a mindless freak?

Maybe it's time I slow down. And breathe again.

My life doesn't just belong to hall 9. It belongs to me.

.ramblings.

2006-01-25T10:39:00.000+08:00

As usual - a horde of stuff to talk about... Or more correctly, to reflect upon.

I'm behind my work for academic discourse. My reader's response was dued like um ... yesterday? [lol] I'll probably hand it in tomorrow - or risk a fail grade. [dun wanna fail] School's getting ... chaotic I'd say. So many deadlines, and none too specific. And some weeks, we've got some self-directed learning. Those I can handle ... but I keep forgetting when those weeks are. I probably need to get a reminder calendar for my laptop since I'm using it for everything now.

I'm still RPing at Hogwarts - which is quite a crazed thing to do. I mean, I'm supposed to be focusing on school and nothing else ... but really, sometimes we just gotta do something different least we get too caught up with the everyday mundane things.

Still pondering.

I'll probably blog something of intelligence soon.

.randomness.

2006-01-20T19:56:00.000+08:00

Just really a train of thoughts running through here. So don't mind me.

Anyway, just dropped by Mr. Tan's blog. Don't ask - I seem to be making a lot of trips there - like once every two days. I'm not obsessed; rather, I'm very curious as to what he has to say about teaching and stuff like that. After all, he had been teaching for quite some years liao - and I'm just fresh blood. Must say his blog is pretty insightful. Maybe 'cause he's an adult and stuff, and we are still a bunch of kids with limited views of the world.

Moving on ...

I'm kind of worried about how I'm going to bring everything back from hall. I've still got like 3 Harry Potter books, a guitar and a keyboard that need immediate attention la. But if I bring them back from hall, my bedroom at home has got like, erm, no space? [sheepish laugh] Thank goodness I haven't thought of brining back ALL my things yet... I mean, I've got like a library of books that's as big as my library of books at home. And I haven't anymore place for my books liao ...

Maybe I should really really start throwing out things I know I'm not going to use anymore.

.relaxed.happy.

2006-01-19T18:32:00.000+08:00

Cheerleading ended yesterday. I took tons of pic - in fact, my camera ran out of memory. I'll check with Kheng Boon whether he can help me transfer my pictures later, so I'll probably post them up.

Went to yoga just now. It's a first lesson - and BOY! am I stiff or what?!?!

I mean, I can't even do some of the poses la!! [sad]

I'm going to try harder next session.

Anyway, it's pretty relexing and refreshing when the session was over. I think I'm getting quite addicted to that feeling.

.awful.

2006-01-18T10:46:00.000+08:00

I don't know if the competition nerves are getting to me.

I hope not. I'm practically a walking accident since this morning. To make things a little more exciting, I'd figured out how to wreak my shoe completely. Yes - the strap broke.

I was like ?$%^#@@!!!?!?!!!

I mean, seriously. This kind of things never happen to me before, so why now? Of all days!!!?!?!!

Maybe the competition will go well this evening ... Maybe not. I can only hope and pray.

.wahaha.

2006-01-16T17:54:00.000+08:00

I have to say, this is a first. It's been about 3 days or so since I got my laptop and I haven't tried to crash it yet. Which is a record. Heh. Anyway, I don't know how long before I attempt any silly stunts that might finished off my laptop but ... I think spending a whole afternoon downloading pictures might prove a start. [maniac laughter]

I mean, within a span of 3 days, I've already used up closely 10GB of the memory space? [baps head] I must be mad!!

Anyway, I'm looking forward to cheerleading later. Don't ask why - I suspect it's the euphoria of being able to catch Shi Ting for 2-2-1. I got her twice; the first time she fell 'cause she placed too much weight on her back. The second time was almost perfect. I said almost, 'cause I got bumped on the head. So for today, I've got a few things to do:

1) 2-2-1
2) DANCE - it's proven. I can't dance.
3) Straddle and Pendulum - I can't go up last night. Today, must go up!!

Looking forward to Wednesday's competition. Not looking forward to the readings I have to complete. (which is A LOT!!)

[dies]

I shouldn't have spent the whole afternoon looking at pics, trying to personalise my laptop.

.elated.

2006-01-13T18:30:00.000+08:00

I got my new notebook today.

[cheers]

It's an IBM Thinkpad T43, and it costs me 2591$. Fine - it was a little pricey, but I'm thinking long term. I supposed it will be a lot more easier and mobile on my side. I can carry it everywhere I go, and get things done, instead of waiting to go back to hall and stuff.

Plus, the notebook is pretty "high-end" ... which means it's good for people like me! I can do my video editing and stuff ... pretty cool.

But onto serious stuff:

Gotta cut down on expenditure now!

.beat.it.

2006-01-09T02:25:00.000+08:00

Just got back from Cheerleading. We're two weeks from our competition and seriously, I've very little confidence. No - I'm not giving up yet. Can't anyway, since we're a team and we're going to get through this together.

But I have no idea how we are going to perfect our routine and stunts.

My shoulder-stand is reasonably stable, but somehow we just can't catch the flyer!! It's very frustrating to be standing up there, and all you can grasp is her ankle, and nothing else. I'm supposed to stand her on my forearm after I caught her, by the way. All I got now was a forearm full of purple bruises.

[sigh]

We really have a lot of hard work to put in man! We really have to get our act together and stop taking things for granted.

***

I miss tennis. I miss playing the piano ...

Speaking of which, I just got some new scores from Yanni. Can't wait to try. Am learning how to play Michael W. Smith's Above All on guitar now. I can get the chords liao - but still kind of slow. Must practice more. Then I'm going to write them into piano scores and feel darn proud. Heh.

I'm also planning to save my money for several things - IBM notebook, Daisy Rock guitar and 60cm ball-joint doll. Some sponsors?

***

2006 is certainly a year to look up. Loads of things planned out.

[#] I love my modules and classes even more. (yeah, I'm such a nerd and geek!)
[#] BA club just asked me to participate in NIE Learning Festival or something like that. Asked me to do tree-climbing. [loves]
[#] Hall 9 FOC - Woohoo!! Need I say more? So I missed out my freshmen FOC, but hey! - I got to be a GL.
[#] On to the recreation side - Yoga, Tennis and Cheerleading. That is, if I don't drown myself with too many things.
[#] Cosplay event in June and Dec
[#] Maybe a trip to HK to shop or the Philippines to have a Hoggies gathering with Freya and Dani ...

How cool!! - and these are only the tip! ... Heh.

[loves even more]

.updates.

2005-12-29T01:42:00.000+08:00

I'm taking forever to update my blog. Bad habit, I know, but sometimes things are just so hard to keep up with ... Time passes too fast for me lately, and it just slips right through my fingers like fine sand held in one's palm ...

Anyways -

Inter-hall at NTU started a while back. Sadly, all the sports I played in couldn't even make it through the prelims. It was always the same thing - not enough players. In my case, I'd say it's the competition nerves. In any case, the only competition I've got left is cheerleading. Hopefully we can do well in it ...

Moving on -

Went with Shu Ling to watch The Chronicles of Narnia today. It's a lovely movie, and I got moved to tears. When I see the scene on-screen, I'm strongly reminded of Lake District, Scotland, London ... I just want to go back there again. Those places were simply lovely. Maybe I should consider going UK for my INSTEP instead of US ... but we'll see.

.fun.fun.fun.

2005-12-12T16:38:00.000+08:00

Sat was a pretty much cool day. Went for the Anime@Expo thing ... quite cool. I've never felt more like a child. ^^

See HERE for some of the pics.

.bleah.

2005-12-05T09:00:00.000+08:00

I'm thoroughly burnt at the moment. Who would have thought that Dec was a month with no sun? My skin is blackened; it's peeling! Hate that feeling. My nose feels raw to touch - I'm worried about infection at the moment; so is my neck.

[sigh]

I hope to get my racquet re-string tomorrow.

Looking forward to sat. There's this anime event at ExPo. I'm wearing GL. Woohoo!

.go.day.

2005-12-01T11:36:00.000+08:00

Now that everyone's exams are over, it seems that all the fun things are just starting. I'm really looking forward to all these activities planned out.

Just a couple of days ago, I went with Jae, Xuwen and Ben to watch the musical 'A Twist of Fate' by the Singapore Repertory Theatre.

I must say, for a local production, it is fantastic. The actors are very engaging, and they have really good chemistry together. I thought Sheila Francisco who played Ming was really great. She has a very strong voice and for a horizontally challenged lady, she is energetic and danced really well too. Laura Michelle Kelly who plays Emma West is another singer with fantastic voice. It's little wonder then, she is one of the best actress at west end! I really love her voice loads man! Emma Yong is also another great and energetic actress that evening. She really made an impression on me because she was dancing in a chongsan and heels! I mean, the chongsan is like how bloddy restricting - not to mention, had really high splits on either sides. I was really impressed with Adrian Pang too. I always see him as a TV actor - turned out, he has a lot more stage experience as compared to his fellow TV actors. I guess he's really what people call a versatile performer.

Oh gosh! - all the other actors are really good too. I can go on about each of their individual performances. I want to perform like them next time!! Must work hard on my singing and acting now!

[laughs]

I wanna watch the musical again! ...

On another note, Inter-Hall Games are starting like on 5 Dec. Playing 3 sports is really no joke. Right now I'm having at least one training session each day. But I'm enjoying myself a lot even though sometimes I feel really tired. I'm looking forward to my trainings everyday, and it's so fun la! Only problem is that some of the players are getting very rough and competitive. I don't really like that when it happens.

Looking forward to a really eventful Dec. :)

[wheeeeee!]

.one.promise.

2005-11-27T19:00:00.000+08:00

You know those little things that we used to scribble in our friends' autograph books when we were in primary schools? Those cute little messages in coloured inks: "You're my best friend!", "Stay friends forever!", "Keep in touch!", "I'll never forget you..." etc ...

Now when I look back on all those words, I couldn't help but smile - smile at the irony of those words; smile as I reminicise how ... childish and idealistic we used to be. True, there are certainly primary school friends we still remember and keep in touch ... but really, did it ever cross us that those friendships are merely "hi-bye"? And what about those pregnant silences? Once upon a time, we could probably chat the night away ... but now? Awkward pauses, and sometimes nothing in common. It was as if in growing up, we had all grown apart, as well.

Sad. But undeniably true.

.tears.

2005-11-02T22:38:00.000+08:00

I didn't know I can have so much hurt in me still.

When I felt those fresh hot tears flowing, I just knew - I wasn't entirely over CY yet. And I just can't stop crying ...

.updates.

2005-10-25T08:14:00.000+08:00

The last few days had been a rather hectic one.

I'm rushing to finish all my projects for all my modules, and also my essays. I had finally completed my "Educational Reforms" project; and for the rest of this week, I will be doing my final presentation and touch up to whatever that is left of my remaining 3 projects.

Sad to say, my 3 essays are still pretty much ... untouched, and the deadline is ... well, next week.

Last Thursday, Stephen [my drama tutor] returned me my Macbeth essay. I was rather disappointed, having scraped a C+. It came to me as a shock, and I think to the class too, cos I was a Lit student, and somehow, there was this expectation that I should be the one getting As and Bs. [Yes, even I gave myself that kind of expectations!] But it seems that I'm still having problems with my essays - in a sense that I just can't seem to answer the question. [as in write out of topic]

I hope this won't happen for my other 3 essays. That will be ... sad.

I really need my B grades. I wanna go for the student exchange next year!!

Anyway ... onto other things...

Last night I pulled off another one of my stunts in hall.

Rei, Ellen, Jesseln and me ordered Mac in, cos we were rather hungry. Plus I didn't quite have dinner cos I was rehearsing damn hard for my drama. That guy forgot to bring my burger - which was sad. So when he brought us the burger later, he brought us TWO!!! I nearly died. I mean, who was going to eat that extra burger?!?! It was like midnight, and none of us wants to get fat!! Even stick thin me didn't, cos I need to keep my weight for cheerleading.

It was decided by the three ladies that someone was going to eat it, and they decided that it will be this guy, we all nicknamed "Neutron".

And here I digress a little:

Neutron was this guy that I'm currently having a mush on. He was my senior in PJC, and Jonathan Foo called him "broom hair", cos his hair resembles the broom. [lol] Jess always said that his head was too big for his shoulders ... which I think was ok, really. But that was another issue altogether.

Anyway, back to the story.

Everybody decided that since I quite like him, and that the girls wanted to "test water", I should be the one to bring the burger up to him. And alone!!! I must admit I had been rather bold since before this. But still, I couldn't help get the willies to bring the food up. I mean, this is going to be rather embarassing, considering that Neutron does know what it going on and that I like him la ...

So I had to be thickskin again, and pulled off that ridiculous and hilarious stunt. I swear after this, I'm really going to crawl into a hole and hide from him.

-.-

.skin.deep.

2005-10-16T12:41:00.000+08:00

Don't believe everything you see.

'Cause behind the mask we wear, everyone has some story.

.fool.

2005-10-15T02:43:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I really feel like a fool.
Not just any fool, but a fool in love.

Goodness knows how many times I had fallen. Each time, I got hurt even deeper. It was like cutting my wrist, over and over again, at the same place. Nothing changes - the wounds only got deeper. And slowly, the pain fades away ... or more appropriately, the pain grows into me, and slowly becomes a part of me, gradually becomes myself...

And now, I can see the start of this cycle once more. I just can't break free of it. It was clear he didn't feel anything ... so why am I doing this to myself?

.sound.of.silence.

2005-10-11T10:20:00.000+08:00

Sometimes all you wanted is a little time to yourself. A little time for silence. A little time where you get quiet and peace, and no one bugging you.

And then when silence finally came, it slipped in, hard and harsh. And then, you drown in the nothingness and the things around you.

Sad, ain't it?

.shattered.

2005-10-11T01:14:00.000+08:00

Cynicism eats into my heart and sets in.

Yet, Faith and Hope remain, knowing that one day everything will fall into place. Through the winds of chaos, perhaps we can find a little of who we are, a little silence, and a little peace for myself.

Perhaps then, I can mature further into the lady I want to be.

.stupid.tv.and.player.

2005-10-09T20:39:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I really think this world is at war ... with technology, that is.

Or at least, I'm at war with technology. Take today, for example. I swear - the TV at home must really hate me.

***

During lunch, I turned on the TV set at home to watch F1. It worked ok at first. Then when I returned to the table where I was eating, the fuzzy grey lines came up. I was like "eh?" and went over to knock the side of the TV a few times.

And I swear, that whole set just screwed up after that.

First, the fuzzy grey lines. The pictures jumped several times. Then, the sound went out. I was like "What the HELL??" Just when I was going to give it a kick, the sound came back. For 5 minutes only. Then I heard a mini explosion - and then the sound and screen went out. I was like ----> (o.O) and I nearly choked on my pasta.

After that, I got damn freaking fed up [cos no amount of poking could get that freaking thing to work], so I did the next best thing. I decided to ignore it completely.

And you know what? - when the commercials started, the stupid TV set decided to work! - no fuzzy lines, no red screen, and sounds was working properly. But the minute F1 came back on screen, the whole set screwed up again.

I was like "F*ck!" Fed up and annoyed, I turned off the set, determined that I'm never ever going to touch the damn thing again. So I started meddling with the DVD player, thinking that it will be more merciful towards a technologically challenged person like me.

But no, it decided tp take a leaf off Mr TV Set Above and torment me further. First, it refused to play my CD. Then when I blew up and screamed, "Work, stupid thing, WORK!!!", it decided to eject my CD. I was like "What the F*CK?!?!"

I swear, if no little one was at home, I would have gestulate wildly at both TV and player, while cursing floridly.

.secret.garden.

2005-10-02T16:08:00.000+08:00

I have a little garden, in which I sow my seeds.
These seeds contain my memories, and made the person you see.
There are seeds of love, and seeds of pain,
Seeds that grow in the warm sun and rain.

And in them a colourful picture, of rainbows and ivys,
Of sweet smells, and the birds sing...

In this little garden, deep within...

.eats.away.

2005-09-28T19:40:00.000+08:00

Time eats away you inside. Pause for a minute - before you know it, you're a minute older; a minute closer to death...

And nothing ever changes.

.be.me.

2005-09-26T22:23:00.000+08:00

I watched a snippet of Billy Elliot today.

I want to do a Billy Elliot.
I want to let go of societal's constraints;
I want to spread my wings and fly above.
I want to chase those shadows in my minds,
and turn those dark thoughts towards the light.
I want to fulfill my broken dreams;
I want to discover myself within.

I want to strip myself of the layers of masks.
I want to cover the truth deep down inside.

I want to see.
I want to feel.
I want to breathe.

Again.

I just want to be me.

.love.

2005-09-26T02:33:00.000+08:00

Isn't it funny how this little 4-letter word can mean so much? According to the dictionary, love means:

1)A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.

2)A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.

3)An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object

To me, it is a deep feeling - that says alot without words, always present, always felt, but not understood.

***

[sigh]

Dare I love again after all these things that had happened to me? Sometimes I think back about my love life, and think that it probably makes a very good soap opera.

I had a wonderful ex of 5 years whom I loved deeply.
Then I had another young man whose life I made an impact on unknowingly till now - and he had been loving me for the last 3 over years.
Not forgetting my two best buddies and friends - young men who stood by me for the last few years too, and we had even dated several times.
And did I mention the big disaster that lasted 6 months? I knew he was sleeping around; I knew he had other girls other than me; and still I stood by him ... only to be dumped in the end.
Then there was my collegue who was 10 years my senior, who hopes that one day I would be his wife.

Everything fell apart in the end. And I was left at the other side, looking at my teenhood, separated by a glass. I can see them; I can feel the fresh pain; and I can't do anything to stem these flowing wounds...

***

Ever since I enter university and started my degree, I'm starting to think that I am merely running away from my messed up life. Running far far away, even though I know I cannot hide in the end.

.no.other.

2005-09-26T02:25:00.000+08:00

Third cheerleading prac.

I'm turning cheerleading-hockey-and-softball-obsessed, I swear. I'm looking forward to every training, never mind the fact that I'm probably going to end up with more bruises and aching muscles. I guess that is what one would call finding joy in what one is doing ;)

Anyway, today's training is a revision of all the work we had done so far. I was freaked out when it was time to do the shoulder-stand. But I went ahead to try anyway ...

The first time was absolutely disastrous. I couldn't stand up straight; I kept leaning forward; my legs felt like jelly around the knees; and my stupid feet just can't seem to balance!! It felt like I was slipping off all the time. I was frustrated, upset and totally frightened - so much so that my screams sort of got everyone around. How bloody embarassing.

-.-

But I managed to get up in the end. Still got some working to do though, so next session - work hard work hard work hard!!!

.a.day.without.rain.

2005-09-16T10:11:00.000+08:00

Once again, I was one of the few girls who showed up for hockey. It's starting to turn into some trend - I think, considering that I'm always the only one. I don't have a problem with it, but it is kind of awkward to like play with the boys all the time...

Oh well.

Anyway, several dates to note:
* 12 Sept - dad's birthday
* 14 Sept - Yi Jun and Sze Ting's birthday
* 24 Sept - Aik Tiao's birthday

I know I miss all, save Aik Tiao's ... Happy be-lated Birthday! -hugs-

.ouch.

2005-09-14T12:20:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was cheerleading practice - my first ever!

-woohoo-

It was really fun.

My position as a flier was confirmed, and the reason? - everyone thinks I'm light and small enough. I do have to admit, I'm pretty short ... but the light part, I'm not so sure. -.-

Anyway, we did some stretches yesterday - I was damn stiff and could hear my bones cracking. Then, we attempted the shoulder-sit. My partner was Andrew, and I have to climb up to his shoulders. Then I wanted to vault down. But since I sort of kicked him [at some sensitive part ... erms] while I was practising the jump [with him supporting], he decided that it was best I didn't vault off. Plus, I was pretty unstable even with him holding my legs and keeping me still.

After that, we did the 'elevator'. The 'elevator' consists of 2 supporters, 1 spotter and myself.

I had to do this little tuck jump up onto the palms of the 2 supporters, aided by the spotter holding my waist. Then I was supposed to bounce on my knees once so that the supporters could use that mometum to life me higher. Then I had to straighten up immediately, elbows and knees locked, with the supporters holding my shoes only.

[yeah ... i was stepping on 2 pairs of hands, and nothing around me]

And it wasn't as difficult as it really was.

I mean, I did get scared at first going up, 'cos there's this thought in my mind - "What if I fall?" The first time, I did fall. But the 3 guys were great. They always caught me before I broke any bones in my body. On the second try, I was able to straighten up very quickly.

It was enphoric. And, for once, I was tall enough to touch the ceiling, lol.

After that, came the next part which was slightly harder. The two supporters were supposed to do a sweep [as in push my feet forward]. That move will break my stance, allowing me to fall into a cradle, supported by all the 3 guys. The first few sweeps were horrible. I ended falling straight into their arms, sitting up and rather clumsy. Then they tried the sweep with a little throw. It turned out not bad, and I was less clumsy.

Of course, there is a little price to pay. Right now, my waist, my leg muscles and my back muscles are super sore and slightly bruised. And I still have hockey tomorrow. -lol-

But I'll probably get used to it in a while. After all, I'm able to stretch a lot further today ... after all that intensive stretching yesterday.

Heh.

.heh.

2005-09-13T11:29:00.000+08:00

The theory of opposite attracts holds true for some friends who recently got attached.

[heh]

Moving on ...

Yesterday I went for my first training for hockey. I didn't want to go at first - cos I have no hockey background. Plus I got whack pretty badly once. Obviously, it was like my fear for basketball and netball. There was no way I was going to play ... or at least that was what I thought.

But Zhaowei, the hockey IC, managed to track me down a couple of evenings back when I was crapping with WeiKun who was trying to get me into the committee for 9-5 [party from 9pm to 5am]. He cornered me and Jess, and asked us to join in the training. I was skeptical, but I went anyway, yesterday.

And boy! - That was fun. [although I'm one of the pathetic 4 girls there ...]

Bernard - the hockey captain - taught me how to pass and stop the ball. It was difficult at first cos I got a weak left arm. But turned out quite ok after that. I still have probs sometimes, cos I tend to treat the game like tennis on the floor. [lol] It was highly hilarious. :)

Then the boys' team divided into two groups to play a friendly match against each other. The girls were asked to join too. I ended up with a group of highly 'high' people who were very enthusiastic. I played center, so was practically running up and down the court. -.- The guys were nice - they always passed the ball to me, even though I stink horribly at stopping the ball. [heh]

After that, dinner at 9pm.

We had another hoolabaloo. This time the argument over who was stinking out the place. Our target was Qing Ling [sp?] who was soaking wet and carrying our hockey sticks. Poor guy! We kept laughing, while he went around the carpark at our hall asking people if he was stinking!! While there, we ran into another group of friendly people [Jesseln included] who were going to K-Box. They invited me to go with them. Which, I did. [double heh]

It was damn crap and funny and fun. We rioted the place down with our voices, then went back at 3am. I was damn tired. While hanging around Jess's room [was waiting for her to pick up her things], some of the guys on the 4th floor saw me, and started talking to me. They all thought we went out to 'chiong'. [lol] I don't think I look like that kind of girl leh...

Laundry at 4am, slept till 6.30. Woke up to hang out the washed clothes, then went back to sleep till 8 plus. Boy, I feel like a pig.

And now, I've got work to do, and then evening - cheerleading.

Can't wait!

[heh]

.motivation.

2005-09-06T14:52:00.000+08:00

I'm doing an overdued work on motivation.

Ironically, I'm just not motivated to complete it. Someone please kick me.

[pfft]

.void.

2005-08-31T16:12:00.000+08:00

I never thought that it will still be this bad.

I'd tried - really did - to put everything behind me. But still, a pain eats me away; my tears never really stopped. Sometimes I smiled when I remember the things that could have been and at the happier days. And very often, it would fade away, leaving a screaming me, trying to claw my way out, crying tears of blood, grasping at dust.

He had left me behind, trapped me in his secrets and the things I will never say.
He had left me behind, in his land of shadows.

His face still haunts my sleep, and I long for a day to be free.

.tears.

2005-08-31T01:45:00.000+08:00

Through your eyes, I see a little of myself...

I can't help feeling lonely. After all, I'm just kidding myself.

.a.thousand.words.

2005-08-30T10:11:00.000+08:00

She cries too many tears
But still cannot confront her fears ...

Familiar isn't it? - that is how I feel about myself sometimes. I've been running in circles as long as I remembered. Moving from one person to the next, never knowing quite well what I want in life, sometimes.

Sometimes I want this; sometimes I don't want it. Sometimes I want that; and when I get it, I realise that isn't what I want. Sometimes I see myself in the mirror, and see my fears reflected in my eyes. And when I try to go nearer, I just pull away. It's so tiring it stinks to the damn core.

But what can I do about it? In each of our lives, I know we have deep sea secrets within. Things that will never surface...

What can I do? What can we all do?

Don't try to help me or console me. Don't try to cover and fill up the void in me. Because it isn't going to work. Because this isn't what I want or need.

.blah.blah.

2005-08-29T00:22:00.000+08:00

I have my tennis match - but I haven't played in years.
I got dragged in for squash - but I don't know the rules.

I'm feeling unsettled, because of all the nervous energy.
I'm feeling excited, because I just know something special is coming.
I'm feeling disorientated, because my cousin is leaving.
I'm feeling lonely, because I can't stop thinking about him.

I have everything in this world, but they're all dust in the wind.
I think about my future, and I see a small gleam.
And I smile, knowing that I have my babies and my dreams to bear me up.

Just a little longer.

***

I can't wait - I'm getting my ipod mini! -woohoo- It's new, and only 280$, because the previous owner has an ipod. My cousin will help me close the transaction tomorrow, but I'll see it [and hold it] like next weekend.

Bummer.

***

I love campus life. It's a non-stop party from dusk to dawn.
I love my home too, and the times I spend cuddling up to my parents and telling them about the wonderful things I heard and seen in my books.

You know, teaching isn't that bad. After all, the great teachers Albert Cullum and Mr Quah might have passed away, but their spirits live on. And in us, they left a little of their souls.

I wanna be like them too.

.the.brick.layer.song.

2005-08-28T23:21:00.000+08:00

Dear sir I write this note to you to tell you of my plight,
For at the time of writing it, I'm not a pretty sight,
My body is all black & blue, my face a deathly grey,
And I write this note to say why I am not at work today.

While working on the 14th floor some bricks I had to clear,
But tossing them down from such a height, was not a good idea,
The foreman wasn't very pleased, he is an awkward sod,
and he said I had to cart them down the ladders in me hod.

Well clearing all these bricks by hand, it was so very slow,
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured a rope below.
But in me haste to do the job, I was too blind to see,
That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me.

And so when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead,
And clinging tightly to the rope, I started up instead.
I shot up like a rocket, and to my dismay I found
That halfway up I met the bloody barrel coming down.

Well, the barrel broke me shoulder as to the ground it sped,
And when I reached the top, I banged the pulley with me head.
But I clung on tightly, numb with shock, from this almighty blow,
While the barrel spilled out half its bricks some fourteen floors below.

Now when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor,
I then outweighed the barrel & so started down once more.
But I clung on tightly to the rope, me body wracked with pain,
And halfway down I met the bloody barrel once again.

The force of this collision halfway down the office block,
Caused multiple abrasions and a nasty case of shock,
But I clung on tightly to the rope as I fell towards the ground,
And I landed on the broken bricks the barrel had scattered round.

Well as I lay there on the floor I thought I'd passed the worst,
But the barrel hit the pulley wheel & then the bottom burst.
A shower of bricks rained down on me; I didn't have a hope.
As I lay there bleeding on the ground I let go the bloody rope.

The barrel now being heavier, it started down once more.
It landed right across me as I lay there on the floor.
It broke three ribs and my left arm, and I can only say,
"I hope you'll understand why I am not at work today."

.soft.ball.

2005-08-25T22:24:00.000+08:00

one thing i learn about softball: the ball is not soft.

.shadows.

2005-08-22T09:25:00.000+08:00

I guess in a way I've taken a lot of things for granted since I left home and moved into campus. I mean, most people would ... and often I feel a tinge of guilt I'd refuse to acknowledge.

:: insert big sigh ::

The last weekend proved to be one trying one, and I found myself breaking down. I had to admit, my relationship with my parents had improved a lot since last year, after 'A' Levels. I could still remember a time when I was very much a bloody brat - thinking that there was absolutely nothing wrong with half the decisions I made. Often I let my pride get in the way, and preferred to think my parents as wrong and I was right.

Yeah - I was a freaking brat, and definitely someone who deserved a good old slap to make me grow up ... but the thing was none of my parents ever did that. I guess they figured I would turn around one day, and I did, 18 years darn too late.

Looking back now, I felt extremely awful. Perhaps it was my way of pushing my limits and the thing was I probably take too far. Not as far as most people would have, but still bad enough. In a way I had been lucky. It never occured to me that relationships are bonds. Not just any bonds but fragile threads that could dwindle and break. I had seen many happening that way, and in some ways my own relationships with my various family members seemed to be heading that way.

The good thing was it never got there. Could we have foresee that day, in other people's own, and was determined not to go there? - I guess in a way, yes.

I could still remember a time of cold war in the family, follow by an uneasy truce, because of my JC education. The thing was both my parents never gave up on me, and in a way, this turned out good. I mean, if they had, I probably couldn't go anywhere. My dreams would only be shadows; my path boring; and I would be some stupid, superficial and shallow airhead mall crawler.

Back to my point after so much digression.

What I was trying to say was it took my 4 weekends to fully realise how much I had taken for granted. Life out there wasn't easy. One had to juggle time well, and I am no juggler. Imagine trying to get all your meals, do your own laundry, figure when to do something and when not to do something ... everything is really a freaking mess. And did I mention - being in 2 clubs at the same time plus a whole chunk of responsibilies - you have no idea how much I look forward to going home every Friday and Saturday.

Every week when I leave my hostel, I would leave all my books behind except for the darn important ones. And when I stepped through the front door everytime, I canfeel rising emotions, I can feel a warmth my heart had ached to feel, but had been deprived for the whole week. It was a family warmth I enjoy and look forward to. True, out there I have my friends. But friends warmth and family warmth are just different.

And always, if my parents are home, there will be this great smile that screamed, "I'm glad you're back." Even more brothers look elated, although we still have yelling matches over the 2 days. And there will always be my favourite food and warm soup. It's kind of hard out there, and for 2 days - my weekends - I have these things.

I am sure lucky!

But this weekend was ... different. I had expected everything to be the same, and my heart nearly skipped a beat when I crossed the carpark and saw both mom and dad's cars in the lots. In a way, that was my assumptions - that both parents would be home ... but no, my dad had left for Hong Kong during the week.

A cold feeling in my heart grew, and I nearly cried. I mean, I do miss my dad a lot, and I want to see him very badly. I've never felt so disappointed in my life. I could have gotten a bad grade and feel bad about it, but no! - it was the absence of my father that made me extremely upset.

Have anyone of you feel that kind of emptiness? Maybe it's childish but they were the people who had been there when nothing else could. In a way I was regretful that I had rejected them so much all these years - and when they weren't there I just cracked and break.

Maybe you don't see this. Maybe you can't feel it. A part of you have probably behaved the way I did - rejected them, hurt them, rebel against them etc. And they are just there, waiting for you to come to your senses, while loving you from afar ... Perhaps like me, you are a ghost child to them, a ghost child they tried to love, but couldn't because you didn't give them the full chance.

And it wouldn't be long, when the good old memories are just shadows in the darkness. And then later, nothing but dust.

.relativity.time.

2005-08-19T19:01:00.000+08:00

put your hand on a hot stove for 1 minute, it feels like an hour. sit next to the man you like for an hour, it feels like 1 minute.

time passes too quickly when you are having fun, slipping away and not coming back again...

.a.cockroach.story.

2005-08-16T23:52:00.000+08:00

Someone found its way into my room today. Its black, with wings and runs on 6 legs. If you haven't figured, it's a roach.

I don't know where it came from. But all of a sudden there was me standing on a chair, squealing my head off. And there was my room mate armed with a slipper and a broom. The thing was both of us didn't want to touch the insect. We were kind of scared of it. So, a good 5 mins was spent squealing, and trying to figure out a way to get rid of the thing.

Finally, the slipper came down with a smack.

But no, the roach was very much alive. It waved its feelers at us when we tried to lift up the slippers, so we just dropped the slipper back down on the floor. The next thing we did was to try to sweep it out. We didn't want to kill it, just push it out.

So there was us, armed with a long broom, pushing the roach out and down the corridor, squealing like little kids.

Kind of embarassing if you ask me. Cause at least 3 heads were sticking out of doors, staring at us. I'm so sure there are more, only we didn't see.

.Let.Go.

2005-08-10T23:34:00.000+08:00

.Let.Go.12.Stones

I feel so alone
Again
I know that I need you
To help me make it through the night
And I pray that you believe in me
You gave me my strength to face another day alone

I need you now, my friend
More than you know
When will we meet again?
Cause I can't let go of you

This world brings me down
Again
I know that I need you
To help me make it through the night
Cause I know that you're the one for me
You gave me my strength to face another day alone

I need you now, my friend
More than you know - yeah yeah
When will we meet again?
Cause I can't let go, I can't let go

As time passes by
I find things never seem to change
When I feel alone
You bring me back to you

And I need you now, my friend
More than you know
When will we meet again?
Cause I can't let go of you

No, I can't let go

.a.family.man.

2005-08-06T18:06:00.000+08:00

When I see him, he is a playful and crappy fellow.
When I look at him, I see a strong young mam, physically and emotionally.
When I need someone, I found a reliable person in him.
When I watch him, I saw more than just a school friend, but someone who had many things within.

Yes, that was how I feel when I get to know YS. And each time I see him, I know a little more about him, and is aware of my feelings for this person whom I've come to regard as one of my friends.

~~some things will never change. I'm lucky to know him ... and to share those wondrous times with him.~~

.showers.of.blessings.

2005-08-03T23:19:00.000+08:00

What is the best thing that you can have to make you at home?

A welcome party right? - which is what my seniors in my block organised. A supper, and then what else? buckets of water being thrown at FRESHIES!!!

I was quick enough to get out of the way and managed to get a small dose. Not too wet, but squealing my head off. Then someone yelled for us to get the bucket, and the next thing i knew, i was flying over to my room for my pretty blue bucket. The thing was by the time i get to the tap, a lot of people was around there ... so what was the next best thing to do?

That's right. Get THEIR water, which i did accordingly. It raised a lot of yelling and protests from the guys. The next thing i knew, i was running with a half-filled bucket, pursued by a whole grp of them (all guys, all bigger than me lengthwise and breathwise), while they kept yelling "GET THAT FRESHIE!!!!!!!!!!!!" Unfortunately, I was running down a corridor. And since I didn't know where the stairs were, some ppl managed to corner me off from both ends of the corridor.

Picture this...

When they finally got near enough, everyone just dunked water at me!!!!! I was like "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" all the way, screaming. Obviously I wanted to get back at them. Which I managed to. Unfortunately, it was torrents of water and water and more water. Then another mad scramble for more water, resulting in a HUGE fight between me and the guys in the kitchen. We were just filling water and throwing at each other for like a full 10 mins before the kitchen was totally flooded and we were sent running out.

Then we got bored of blk 46, (cos every one was hiding in their rooms by then) so the guys, a few enthu girls and myself made for another blk - blk 45 this time. It was a short way, and since I was barefooted, I was behind everyone. When I finally got there, a poor guy (who just came back from class) was totally drenched! poor fellow, unfortunate victim of our crossfire. i laughed so hard i actually slipped and fell, but thank goodness for several seniors behind me who carried me up. I was like "ouch" and so paiseh.

the move to the next blk was fun, cos we managed to get the other blk to join in as well. (but only a few ppl) but we had to return to our own blk after ppl complaint. So another hussle back home and another round of water tossing. This time, some guy found a hose, and hosed everyone! (all the clothes got wet, btw...)

i was like -.-''' and "do that again, your head is going into the toilet!"

another fight broke out in the male toilet this time. we locked people and cubicles and poured water for like 5 whole mins... until everyone got tired and run out again. It wasn't until the security guard complaint that everyone stopped, All in all the water fight lasted for 1 1/2 hour!...

[LOL]

I hope we get that again next time :). And you know what? - I'm going to stay in hall for my whole university life!

[cheers]

.some.things.

2005-07-30T12:10:00.000+08:00

A week has past since my entry into NTU/ NIE. A week since I'd stayed in the halls. And some things remain - 'home is where the heart is', and to tell the truth I miss my place a lot, thought I love hall life too.

[beams] (:

.first.week.

2005-07-29T17:03:00.000+08:00

Not too long ago, I invested my time and money in The Sims 2: University. It allows me to see how a school year might be like in university, while living in campus. Of course, I won't say that it was the truest of true depiction... but at least, it let me have some kind of ideas how living on campus will be like.

For one thing, there was definitely places to run to at certain times. And so far, I've managed to get to them all, usually half hour late. And no, it's not because I overslept or because I couldn't find the place. It's more like the number of things I have to do before I get to lectures or the next round of activities. Gosh - it's really a lot when you are staying on your own.

So far, I'm coping quite well in school. I love the people, I love the environment, and I just love everything and where my future is going. It just looks too good to be true - after all, I never thought I'll make it into university.

Of course, the first few days were weird. I mean, I've been in a uniform for the last 13 years. To shed of this uniformity and have the freedom to wear what I like - and express my own true Self through my dressings - this was kind of new. It feels strange to walk the corridors in my favourite outfits, and deck with long dangly earrings and armful of bangles, plus a nice necklace or choker...

Also, this new-found form of freedom staying in the halls was kind of hard for me at first. All my life, I was provided for. All of a sudden, I'm in a new situation - doing my own laundry, cleaning up my own place and getting my own meals. It was hard to get used to at first, but I think it really forces me to take a different and more mature stand to life. I really appreciate my mom's suggestion about asking me to stay in halls. :)

But one thing that isn't so nice about university? - we don't have fixed recess. [pfft]

Of course, what to expect? ^^

.unexpected.move.

2005-07-27T09:20:00.000+08:00

I got into the Drama class! - which means, I'm going to be doing 2 Drama modules this semester! [wowee!] crazy ain't it? I mean, most people thoght I was kidding when I told them I want to do Drama, and that I'm going for the auditions. After all, I was one of the few girls who was reduced to tears during Fright Night, inside the Nanyang Playhouse aka our school's very own Black Box.

I'm really looking forward to a good term now. I'm hoping to track the music professor down soon - cos I intend to do music the following semester. Then History, then English Lang. I'm saving Geography for just in case kind of thing, since I haven't touched that subject for like over 6 years. >.<

For my ECA, I think I'm going to join Service Learning Club, in addition to BA Club. I'm thinking of Tennis too, but I'll see. Maybe I can find the person in charge today or something, and ask.

And tonight, I'm moving officially into my dorm. ^^ I'm looking forward to it as well.

.new.start.

2005-07-25T21:35:00.000+08:00

25 Jul - a very special day for me, I must say.

Yes. Today is the start of a new day for me, a new life, while assuming a new role of a general education officer. Really, that name is a nicer way of calling us teachers. I mean, why bother? When I start teaching, I doubt those kids are going to call me GEO, or whatever. They are probably going to wave their hands in the air a le Hermione in Harry Potter, and scream, "'cher! 'cher! Me! Me!"

By the way, such scenarios only apply to lower primary. Experiences tell us that upper primary kids and above either switch off, or becomes deaf temporarily, only to recover when your attention goes elsewhere. As for JC and universities students? They probably practice the 3Ls, as told by A/P Leo, the 3Ls being Lunch, Loo, and Lectures.

Anyway.

Got to the first lecture late. Apparently being late has become my trademark. I went in 30 mins late with XiaoWei, and both of us hadn't gone in softly. We just barged in, and felt stupid while sidling into 2 seats at the very back, no doubt under the disapproval looks of the various professors. Other than that, everything else is pretty ok.

After all those boring briefings, we were ushered to this other LT by a very harrassed looking professor, now for our next briefing for the subjects, since we are choosing our modules tomorrow. I will be doing:

-Introduction to Education
-Educational Psychology
-Communication Skills

for my core subjects, and finally for my academic studies, I'm going to be adventurous and take up Drama, despite my extremely disastrous visit to the Nanyang Playhouse last Tue morning just a little after midnight. (yeah, I end up in tears and in a very bad state of shock.) Nuts, right?

I'm saving the best for last - History, English. I'm not too keen on geog though, but i guess i'll do it anyway, cos i'm lazy to go for anymore audition for music and art.

Welcome to another episode of Jess's World!

2005-06-27T15:47:00.000+08:00

Hi all.

Yup. I've been lazy. I haven't updated in like the last few days. And no, it's not because I'm busy - as I've said, I was being lazy.

[LOL]

So.

To cut a long story short...

I've been out on a movie date/ dinner with MF. And seriously, I was kind of surprised with him. He appears to be so mild and quiet usually, the kind of guy who will go with the flow and such... and all of a sudden, there was this really decisive AND assertive side of him.

He was making decisions, and somehow I feel a little ... lost? 'cause I felt like I was merely a shadow, following him around.

It really made me scared.

Somehow I'm not so sure about anything and myself anymore. And perhaps it isn't such a bad thing.

2nd Episode of "Jess's World"!

2005-06-23T14:53:00.000+08:00

Yup yup!

It's been such a long long time since I last posted. So, I'm going to write some stuff here to update the avid readers and soap operas chasers.

So.

[blows]

Things that have happened.

(1) I've told JY I'm not interested.
(2) I'm going to stay in hostel.
(3) I've gotten my eyebrows done (and looking a real awful)
(4) I've gotten into a short and sharp argument with Andrew and have not spoken with him since.
(5) I can't really think of anything else that had happened...

[pfft]

Boring life ain't it?

(I wonder why then some people are still so interested in what's going on.)

The AfterMath

2005-06-11T09:49:00.000+08:00

There. I've done it.

I've successfully set up my new blog here and I'm loving it! It's so CUTE! (and so not me!) Very soon, when my personal computer is up and running, when I have my PS7 or something the likes, I will redo and revamp my blog.

In the meantime, this one looks good enough for me.

***

Anyway, as the story goes ...

JiaYi called me again last night. That would be 3 or 4 nights in a row! I'm like "what?!" Honestly, I'm starting to get a little irritated. Let's face it, I need my own space and own time too!

::wails::

episode 1 of soap opera

2005-06-10T14:07:00.000+08:00

Being Ms. High Avoidance, this shall be my new blog add! (:

hopefully someone won't be able to find me.

[HAH]